Frustration is seeping in…

It is as if my former self has caught up with me again, reminding me of the filthiness of my heart, the futility of my battles, and the failures I try so vainly to forget. This constant war against my flesh has been pushing and pulling my spirit to run away from anything good, noble, or pure. I’m aggravated that my natural inclinations always seem to be manipulative, jealous, selfish, arrogant, anxious, and a magnitude of other evil character flaws.

I never cease to feel there are two sides of me – one that desperately wants to be drenched in passion to seek and know and love only Him, and the other is a complex mixture of apathy and selfish gain. And what I am still having trouble understanding is that the more I pray, the harder I pray, the more I read and take in Scripture, the more I fight, the more I tread as purely as I can on this narrow road (that seems to get narrower everyday), it almost seems like the harder it becomes. But I suppose that in a real battle, the killing of one opponent simply means just that – ONE opponent is down and another one will soon be barreling towards you. The more opponents you kill, the closer you become to the heart of the battle, which is going to be increasingly harder than the outskirts upon which you started. It stands to reason why the Bible spends a great deal of time emphasizing the importance of being prepared, careful, watchful and focused.

But I realize this: God is God, regardless of what I am, regardless of what I do, regardless of what I say or how I behave. He is God, and as such nothing is above, stronger or beyond him... not even my failures. I am not lost.